The lingering sorrow in my heart attested to the fact that I didn't want to just be his friend, as I had told him; I wanted to be his girlfriend. So after many tears and talking it over with Mom, Corrie, Corrie's boss, and finally with Cody at his house, we got back together. Ah, much better! And I was content, once again.
More sweet kisses and holding hands. More playing pool and racquetball together, movie dates and watching TV together. More wearing his cozy Cody-scented black leather jacket (my favorite), and wearing his class ring on a long chain around my neck. More visits at my work at the fitness center's day care (until my boss said that distraction had to stop), and more finding joy in his presence every day...these were the wonderful benefits of my renewed relationship with Cody over the next few weeks. It was a tender connection that was meant to be, for now.
No need to worry about that "pathway to marriage" plan for the time being, I was just a young teenager having fun. Just a girl who wanted to live a little for the present, with no regard for the future, right?
If only it weren't for that one little elephant in the room who kept coming back.
I began to figure out that my faith wasn't just a matter for my future, it was also an ever-developing focus for my present. I was studying and absorbing the gospel through daily scripture classes (early morning seminary), and approached my Sunday meetings with an eagerness to learn. For Cody on the other hand, religion still seemed to be a non-priority. Little by little, our differences in beliefs intensified like a small but growing wedge between us.
Journal Entry, 7 April 1991:
I talked to Cody on the phone for about 2 1/2 hours tonight. For about an hour we talked about religion. He asked me questions like, "Do I know my church is true?" and added, "It's impossible to know anything." I told him I believe, and I'm working to know. I know that some day I will know if I work at it, and told him he would know too what church is right if he worked to know. He still doesn't believe I could ever know. I learned tonight you can't argue with someone about that. I looked in the scriptures and marked 3 Nephi 18: 20. "And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you."
I'm curious to know what it was that Cody saw in me, during that time when my feelings for our relationship slowly began to diminish. There was something that continued to draw him to me, even increasingly so, despite my drifting away. Why was it that when we were reunited after his one-day-long school trip he seemed alone in his feelings of missing me greatly? Why was I the only one that could see sense in reserving weeknights for schoolwork, and saving our dates for the weekends?
"What's wrong, Cody? Why are you so quiet this morning?" I asked, uncomfortable with his silence.
"I don't really want to talk about it," he said. "Don't worry about it. There's nothing we could do about it anyway; it's not important." Obviously, it was important, but he wasn't yet ready to discuss the cause of his blues.
Later, at lunch, he revealed, "I just hate that we never do anything together anymore. Besides at school, I only get to see you maybe once on the weekend and that's it. And what makes me the most frustrated is that you didn't even tell me about your big California trip coming up."
My week-long choir trip to San Diego was a big deal, but I had neglected to mention it. I didn't have a good reason. I hadn't meant to upset him, and regretted the awkward tension. Still, it added to the evidence that Cody and I were not on the same page as much as before.
Journal Entry, 20 April 1991:
We went to see Dances with Wolves tonight in the theater. It was a really good movie, I cried a little at the end. It was nice to sit close again. I wish I could do that all the time. I don't mean necessarily with him, I mean I wish I was married and in love. I wish Cody was Mormon, it would make things so much easier--I wouldn't have to worry about when we'll break up.
The time for my trip came, and Cody feared the effect our separation would have on my need or desire for our togetherness overall. When I called him to say goodbye, we argued. I hated that. I chose to leave without his class ring that I always wore around my neck in my determination to not think about him for a few days.
The choir trip was a dream. One of those cloud 9 kind of dreams that you hate waking up from. We performed our hearts out and made beautiful music; traveled to new and exciting places--like the Strip in Las Vegas; saw amazing shows like The Phantom of the Opera starring Michael Crawford, and the Barnum and Bailey Brother's Circus; and solidified life-long friendship bonds all the while. During this trip some of my most favorite high school memories were made.
There was hardly any time for sadness during this trip, but imposing thoughts of Cody kept me tied to a challenging reality--it was decision time once again. I felt our time together had run its course, and although I knew from experience that breaking up was not necessarily a happy change, I knew it was a necessary change. I would be okay with it this time, for real. I would do it as soon as I got home.
"Cody, I want to break up," I nervously said before school on my first day back, hesitant only because I didn't want to hurt him. "I think we should just be friends from now on."
"I know. I want to break up, too," he answered, and the lack of surprise in his response caught me a little off-guard. "...but it's not because I don't like you anymore. It's because I like you too much, and don't want to be close to someone when I know we would never be able to stay together. ...And I think my reason is better."
The truth is, I liked his reason better too.
The good news is, after time softened our wounds, we were able to get past the hurt feelings and remain good friends. Cody was such a gentleman, he not only followed through with our plan to go to the prom together (which had been scheduled prior to our breakup), he even swallowed his pride and wore a white tuxedo with tails--against his fashion preferences--because I thought it would match my peach and white lace dress the best. We had a good time there and I treasure that fancy schmancy photo of us together in front of the prom's elegant decorative backdrop.
Cody was my last non-Mormon boyfriend. I will be forever grateful that I was able to experience this turning point in my romantic companionships with such a loving and forgiving person as Cody.
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